Volvo's new eco-friendly hatchback C30 ticks all the right boxes - pity about the colour of my road-test unit so welcome to my green room.
That's what they call the celebrities' waiting rooms on TV shows although the phrase has always reminded me more of hospitals than hospitality. In fact because of an incident on 'Strictly Come Dancing' five years ago I associate green rooms with the worst pain I've ever endured.
It was during the semi-finals. I was doing a ronde (you dancers will know what I'm on about) when something in my back went twang. Thirty minutes later I was writhing in agony on a makeshift operating table in the green room.
I'm not good with pain, in fact I try to avoid it at all costs, which is the only reason I agreed to be treated by a bloke carrying a black leather bag full of needles. Who knew the BBC had an acupuncturist?
I'd never had it done before; the thought of sticking pins in my skin doesn't give me the kind of pleasure Max Mosley might get but I was in that much pain that even when this stranger's first words to me were "Remove your clothes - all of them". I obeyed without hesitation.
I lay on my front and he began to bang the nails, sorry needles, into my spine.
Each one went in with a flick and a twist but I didn't react until the very last ones.
"These will cause the muscles to go into spasm," he hissed.
Not flipping wrong! My body reacted as if I'd been electrocuted. Thinking that was the desired effect I made to get up, conscious that we were going live in just over an hour and the doorway was starting to fill up with worried producers.
"Not yet," he said. "Turn over."
Apparently the problem muscles wrap round to your front as well so I had no choice but to lie back and grip the towel while he went to work. After 10 minutes frowning at the ceiling I mustered the courage to look down, only to find my lap looking like one of those cheese-and-pineapple hedgehogs. There must have been 50 needles down there.
But as the very last one went in my back muscles released like letting go of an elastic band. I could move again but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still in agony as I hurriedly got back into my sequins and heels.
Suffice it to say, I lost. My mind was on other things. And the same can be said of the day I picked up this new Volvo C30: I didn't care that it had a new sports chassis and was the first Volvo to be given the new swept-back look soon to be seen across the range... the photographer's bright idea of shooting it against a green backdrop had given me a terrible flashback to that day in the green room.
It wasn't until I was halfway back home that I stopped shuddering and remembered I was supposed to be doing a car review.
AIMED AT YOUNGER BUYERS
The C30, launched HREFabout four years ago, is Volvo's Sports Coupe, its first since the horrible 480 in the late 1980's. If you've heard people talking about it, it was probably less for its speed or handling than for the Toblerone-shaped back end, with the hexagonal glass hatch in the middle.
This is a mid-life redesign and straight away you can see Volvo has the new Fiesta, Polo, Mini Cooper and even the Audi A3 in its sights. It's definitely aimed at younger buyers - hence the mind-boggling greenish paint job.
To be honest, the colour nearly put me off it altogether. It's even got green seats. Still, with shades on, I could just see past it to appreciate the new design. It's impressive, particularly around the front bumper with its sculpted cheekbones and slanted headlights. I also like the tapered rear windows and rising shoulder line.
Sitting on the (optional) lowered sports chassis and with the white 17" alloy rims, it's by far the sportiest car Volvo has made in about 50 years.
There are five engines - three petrol, two diesel - and I had the two-litre diesel from the middle of the range, which I was glad of as little petrol engines just don't seem right in a Volvo. This one has plenty of pull for 99 percent of drivers: it's grippy and feels safe in the corners but lacks the fun of a Golf and, although the sports chassis adds some zing, it's a firm ride which became slightly wearing.
SAFETY FEATURES PREDICTABLY GOOD
Being Volvo, they're more proud of its eco credentials - one particular 'DRIVe' diesel model is capable of a pretty incredible 3.9 litres/100km, with emissions so low it's nearly duty-exempt. That's a big plus and could lead to you seeing a lot more of these quirky cars on the road, especially if fleet buyers get wind of it.
The safety features are predictably good for the price.
But there are reasons why I wouldn't buy one, mostly to do with my age. The handbrake, for example, reminds me of an NHS crutch. The back seats - two of them, rather than a bench - are hard to get into if you're not a youngster.
As for that unique tail end, there's plenty of boot space but it's hard to access - particularly if you're a dog. My spaniel Fudge just looked at me as if to say, "If you think I'm climbing up there you're having a laugh."
For all this, it's a well-made car and probably the closest Volvo came to the fun of a small Ford while they were part of that group. Now they're owned by Chinese firm Geely, who knows what the next generation will look like?
I'm just hoping they won't be green. - London Daily Mail
It comes with 17" white alloys, ABS with EBD, cruise control, electronic climate control, DSTC dynamic stability and traction control, six-speaker radio/CD player with aux in, leather steering wheel with audio controls, fog lights, heatable external mirrors with ground lights, SIPS, crash bags and curtains, auto wipers and folding rear seats.
Optional extras: Lowered sports chassis, satnav, rear park assist, power driver's seat, 10-speaker 130W premium audio system, sinter pack with active bending lights, keyless drive, sunroof, heatable front seats, leather-faced upholstery.