QUESTION: My husband and I recently met another couple through our children’s school PTA meetings, and we instantly hit it off. They’ve asked us round for dinner and a movie, but now another friend has told us they’re swingers. I’m anxious I might have misread their intentions; the wife is very tactile and keeps telling me I’m attractive. How can I back out without causing offence?
ANSWER: Calm down! We’re not living in a Jackie Collins’ novel - “movie” hasn’t become a code word for “orgy”. It’s dangerous to give too much credence to gossip: how would you like it if everyone acted on rumours about you?
I have long remembered the time when a friend dropped round to my student digs. I lived with five other undergraduates (three boys and two girls) and we were such good friends that we would all jump into my double bed on weekend mornings in our pyjamas to read the papers together.
I discovered afterwards my visitor had told everyone we were having group sex (most of us were still virgins). Then there’s the friend who had pampas grass in her garden and was shocked to learn this is sometimes considered a sign swingers live there. She said: “I wondered why delivery men kept winking.”
And what if this couple do happen to be swingers? That doesn’t mean you have to be, too. Some of my friends play golf, but I have no intention of joining them.
In any case, I doubt experienced partner-swappers would be so dim-witted as to issue invitations randomly. Most grown-up Britons are discreet in their sexual habits, knowing that the one golden rule is not to foist your tastes on unwilling bystanders.
And why single this otherwise likeable couple out for social ostracism? The law of averages would suggest that among your circle there are bound to be other people with adventurous sexual tastes. A 1996 survey found up to 10 percent of the population have indulged in some form of sadomasochistic erotic activity. If the success of Fifty Shades Of Grey tells us anything, it’s the fact many women are more open to these sort of fantasies than anyone previously registered.
Goodness knows how many of our neighbours will have experimented with bold forms of sexual activity, without this having dented their suitability as dinner party hosts. A private life should remain a private life, unless it’s beyond the boundaries of the law.
Also, I don’t think you should drop likeable people just because they have some tastes you don’t share. I have a friend who once asked me to a Socialist Workers’ fundraiser and another who wanted me to try Buddhism. Neither thing is up my alley, but it hasn’t affected the friendship.
Having said all that, I understand your nerves. But the wily can fend off the request in the first place by making their own tastes clear, as in: “Goodness, Geoffrey and I are so boring!” And there’s nothing to stop you moving the venue for dinner to your house and asking an additional couple. Added to which, you could suggest some unsexy films to watch - nobody ever got frisky watching Gandhi.
My belief is you should respond in the same way you might if offered a spot of Morris dancing: “No thank you, it’s not really my cup of tea.” - Daily Mail