QUESTION: My husband and I have been together for 16 years. Our sex life suffered when our children were small, so now they’re older I’m trying to get things back on track, but my man is resisting. He never initiates sex, doesn’t want to try new things and hates talking about all this. I want him to see a sex therapist with me, but he refused. How can I get him to change his mind?
ANSWER: How much does the average adult male like talking about intimacy? Hmm, let’s think . . . I’d say (and this is just based on my husband) he enjoys it about as much as having a fork poked in his eye.
So when you suggest your man might like to sit in a therapist’s office and have a three-way conversation about his sex life, then don’t be flabbergasted when he yells ‘No!’
Almost all the men I know refuse to get involved in this kind of thing - at first. However, you are quite right that nothing can improve in your romantic dynamic unless you get your husband to open up.
And if you can’t manage that at home, then I agree you need a skilled relationship counsellor to prise him out of his protective shell. But how to get him through the door? The details you give in your letter suggest a gradual disengagement from a properly realised love life.
Perhaps your man is suffering from work and financial pressures. Is it possible he’s depressed, drinking too much or has lost confidence in himself?
Don’t forget that middle age is a time when many men suffer some form of erectile dysfunction and that can be excruciatingly hard to talk about.
You might be well served by first sending your spouse to your family doctor for a general check-up.
If he still resists the idea of therapy, then you should book an appointment solo, if only to get your concerns off your chest.
The distinguished psychotherapist Phillip Hodson has dealt with plenty of men who are initially reluctant to seek third party help, but says that ‘in about four cases out of seven’ when a woman declares her intent to go on her own, ‘her partner will turn up, if only to give his side of the story’.
There is another hurtful possibility. It could be that your spouse does not find you as attractive as he once did.
Hodson advises that you ask your man for utmost honesty: ‘Tell him that you can bear any amount of truth, but not his soul-destroying indifference.’
Finally, if, after every endeavour, you really can’t get your man to open up, I suggest you use the ultimate sanction: tell him that you can’t continue in a relationship with a man who isn’t prepared to discuss every aspect of your relationship.
But be prepared to make good your threat or to suffer a lifetime of indifferent sex and impaired communication. - Daily Mail