QUESTION: Following the end of my 23-year marriage, I have met a great man who ticks most of my boxes. However, he was serial singleton who never settled down and has an annoying tendency to tell me how his previous lovers have said he’s amazing in bed. I think he’s a bit clumsy and wham-bam, but am wondering how honest I should be. Help!
ANSWER: My heart sinks a little whenever I hear a man declare he’s the world’s greatest lover. This breed of male has worked his way through a bumper pile of sex manuals and taken it all as Gospel. He has a checklist of techniques and likes to work his way through all of them so you know he’s a ‘bedroom artiste’.
Furthermore, like any good salesman, he has the testimony of satisfied customers to back up his case. He has never stopped to consider that short-term lady loves and one-night stands don’t bother with meaningful critiques. It’s easier and more polite to say: ‘Sweetie, you were fabulous.’
Most of us only brave having a proper sexual dialogue when we feel (or hope) that a relationship will last a while. Most of us need a lot of mutual trust and respect before we start a very personal conversation about erotic taste. All that takes time and commitment - not something your new chap knows much about.
You do need to ask yourself why your new man has always shied away from settling down. Perhaps he just hasn’t met the right woman until now - but it’s also possible that he’s resistant to any form of critique. People who say: ‘No one’s complained before,’ are generally so certain of their own rightness that they simply ignore any sign of dissent.
Bear in mind that this kind of self-confidence is often just a mask for insecurities. No one who was truly happy in their own skin would feel the need to keep telling you that they’re a bedroom maestro. They would know that different women have different needs, all equally valid. It has always seemed to me that it’s pointless to deem someone good or bad in bed, as it’s got far more to with chemistry than knowledge of the Kama Sutra.
Now, I’m presuming you have excellent chemistry with your man and that he has many good qualities that outweigh the sexual bragging? If so, you need to be honest and tell him that while you hugely enjoy having sex with him and that he is indeed a love god (the way to this man’s brain is via his ego) you’d like to suggest a few innovations in the bedroom.
Preface your suggestions with the phrase, ‘I’m sure you are brilliant at ...’ and then add your chosen peccadillo: butterfly kisses or whatever pushes your buttons.
It sounds like he always takes the lead in the bedroom, so why not suggest you dictate the moves one session? If he’s truly as generous a lover as he makes out, then he should be thrilled to help you to new heights of passion.
Don’t be too hard on him. Vanity aside, it’s a stroke of luck to find a man who’s happy to put effort into making his woman happy.
And if all else fails, fight fire with fire. Say that all the previous men in your life have given you gold medals for your sexual prowess, so he’d better start listening. - Daily Mail