“I can’t do this anymore,” were the words that repeatedly went through my mind as I sat in my car on the roadside on Du Toits Kloof Pass.
I desperately hoped that the handsful of tiny white pills I was shoving down my throat would gently put me to eternal sleep.
All I wanted was the deep sense of sadness and all-consuming darkness to go away as I drove my car off the cliff.
Finally, there was silence. There was a sense of peace. Until there was a knock on my car window.
A stranger trying to get me out. An ambulance. A hospital bed. And an overwhelming feeling of anger and shame.
How dare he rescue me. How dare I try to once again unalive myself.
My name is Gerry Cupido, and I tried taking my own life.
While my story might seem unusual, it’s simply a different version of thousands of other people who have tried to do the same thing. I’m fortunate and highly blessed to have survived.
However, by surviving I was forced to take responsibility for my actions. Surviving meant that I had another chance.
Surviving meant that I had to put in the work to try and heal.
After spending two weeks in a private clinic followed by four weeks in a public mental health facility I realised that I was not alone in the way I was feeling.
During my time in the institution, I got to hear many other stories from people who, just like me, desperately wanted a way out.
I soon realised that the darkness that I constantly felt wasn’t one only I suffered.
Knowing that I wasn’t alone in my struggle made me feel “normal”.
Being in the facility gave me a false sense of safety because as soon as it was time to go home, I knew that others outside of those walls would not understand why I did what I did.
As someone who is bipolar, I consider myself to be extremely fortunate to have parents who have an understanding of mental health illnesses.
But even though they had an idea of what a mental health illness does to the mind, they still couldn’t comprehend why I, someone who was loved, had three beautiful children and was financially stable, would do what I did.
It didn’t help that I was always well put together. I always pretended that everything was fine.
No one, not even those closest to me, could tell by just looking at me that I was battling inner demons. I was a professional at masking.
It’s taken me years to take down that mask and be more open about what I’m going through.
With regular visits to a psychiatrist, finding the best combination of medication for me and making a concerted effort to protect my mental health, I now manage my depression better.
However, it never completely goes away. The sadness that brings darkness lurks in the furthest corners of my mind waiting for a moment of weakness.
In 2021, the South African Depression and Anxiety Group reported that there are 23 known cases of suicide in South Africa every day, and for every person that dies by suicide, 10 have attempted to take their own lives.
On Tuesday, September 21, the world marks World Suicide Prevention Day, and I believe that if more people spoke about suicide, more others would come forward to tell their story.
Talking about your experience could save the life of someone who believes that they are alone in their struggle.
This is why I share my story today. Perhaps I will be able to reach just one person who is telling themselves: “I can’t do this anymore.”
While those who are feeling suicidal tend to hide it very well, there are tell-tale signs that if you look closely enough, you can pick up and possibly help that person before it’s too late.
Here are signs of suicidal behaviour that might be easy to miss but that one should be aware of.
- The person starts to withdraw from activities and relationships.
- They experience extreme mood swings.
- You can look out for self-harm behaviours.
- They would express feelings of worthlessness.
- They would actually express suicidal feelings.
If you recognise these signs in someone you love, make sure they get the help that they desperately need.
Contact SADAG on 0800 567 567.
This week is Suicide Prevention Week. It is time that more people talk about the topic that so many are ashamed of.