Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan
EVEN armed with a PhD in developmental psychology, I remember the frightening first moments after bringing my newborn daughter home from hospital.
I wasn’t sure what to do, and not at all confident that I was capable of being the parent she needed me to be. Every little decision about feeding and caring for this helpless human seemed momentous and fraught with anxiety.
What if I don’t make it a full year of breast-feeding? Should I turn off the TV whenever she is in the room to avoid passive screen exposure? Is it okay for her to enter full-time daycare at five months?
Popular press accounts of parenting and child development research were not particularly helpful either. Even though as a scientist I knew better, the way the research was translated lacked nuance and easily penetrated my vulnerable state of mind.
I fretted that my daughter’s formula consumption would result in lower IQ. I worried that if I was too tired to read to her one evening before bed, she would never learn to read. And, since she’s started elementary school, I have slipped and called her “smart” instead of more appropriately praising her effort.
My personal experiences as a parent are, in part, why I study the experiences of other parents. In my New Parents Project, an ongoing study of nearly 200 dual-earner couples who welcomed their first children in 2008-2009, I have tried to measure this “parenting perfectionism” – that is, holding oneself to impossibly high standards for parenting.
Mothers – even those in dual-earner families – not only bear the brunt of parenting responsibilities, but also experience the strongest pressure to be perfect parents.
In the latter half of the 20th century, at the same time as mothers entered the workforce in greater numbers, norms for mothering evolved toward an “intensive mothering” ideal.
This norm dictates that mothers’ parenting should be time-consuming, emotionally absorbing and guided by expert advice. This pressure is particularly intense for middle-class mothers who may practise a child-rearing style called concerted cultivation.
Those towards the upper end of the socio-economic spectrum especially have the time and money to practise concerted cultivation and do so to ensure their children’s future success.
Striving for perfection can harm parenting, however, as in my research on new parents we found mothers showed less confidence when they worried about what other people thought about their parenting.
The popularity of social media has likely exacerbated this phenomenon because parents can look at what other parents are doing – even in ostensibly private moments – and judge themselves in comparison.
The irony is that in seeking perfection in parenting, parents are less likely to parent effectively. When faced with inevitable parenting challenges, mothers with lower confidence and more parenting stress give up more quickly.
So what does a “good” parent look like?
There may be disagreement among child development experts about issues such as screen time or sleep routines, but there is striking agreement about the key elements of “good” parenting, which has a lot more to do with the “how” than the “what”.
Good parents are those who are sensitive to their children’s needs, and “in tune” with their children to such an extent that they are able to adjust their parenting as children develop and desire greater independence.
But when you lack confidence and feel chronically stressed about parenting, it is hard to be sensitive, warm and consistent. – The Conversation