Building a lasting relationship takes a lot of effort and time; it’s not something that just blossoms.
With the month of love culminating in Valentine’s Day today, The Star looked at some tips on how to make a loving relationship stick and to identify the signs of an unhealthy relationship.
Asked to define romantic love, clinical psychologist Sine Zungu said the symptoms of romantic love were “unashamedly unmistakable”.
“Objectively, those around them might notice a change in their behaviour.
“They might spend much of their time thinking about, but also speaking about, the partner who has become the object of their desire.
“They begin to see their romantic interest as being special and unique and having intangible value to them. They also begin to focus specifically on the positive attributes of their partner, disregarding or underplaying the partner’s negative attributes. Individuals should, therefore, engage in relationships with objectivity and emotion,” she said.
In the presence of one’s desired mate, one may also experience psychophysiological reactions such as increased heart rate and intense energy.
“Individuals who are in love are further known to display altruistic behaviour towards them, showing their reliance on the relationship, in forms such as separation anxiety and jealousy,” Zungu said.
In creating a long-lasting relationship, she stressed that there was a complex cluster of emotions and behaviours that form romantic love and motivate people into relationships with their desired mate.
“However, once the novelty of romantic love has lost its allure, a series of behaviours, termed by psychologists as pro-relationship maintenance strategies, help to maintain healthy romantic relationships.
“The five key maintenance strategies are positivity, assurances, openness, sharing tasks and social networks.”
She warned that if there was an absence of these “effective pro-relationship behaviours”, an unhealthy relationship may develop, which could lead to harmful behaviour such as sexual, verbal, physical, or emotional abuse.
“Ideally, romantic relationships should be a space where both parties receive comfort, love and assurance from each other. When the relationship causes one or both parties psychological or physical harm, the relationship is no longer safe, especially for the vulnerable party.
“A common example of an unhealthy relationship is a co-dependent relationship characterised by one partner enabling the other’s destructive behaviour or chronic illness.”
In such relationships, both parties became trapped in a cycle where one partner engaged in harmful behaviour that placed them in an endangered or helpless position, while the other enabled its continuance by denying his or her own needs and compensating for the dysfunctional behaviour.
“Ultimately, the relationship becomes one-sided and emotionally abusive,” Zungu pointed out.
She also highlighted that partners of people with a chronic mental illness, such as major depressive disorder or generalised anxiety disorder, are sometimes at a greater risk than the general population of finding themselves in a co-dependent relationship.
“However, this is not to say it is impossible for people with chronic psychological conditions to enter into healthy relationships. Despite the challenges, many patients are able to find love and acceptance in their beloved, and have their needs fulfilled in the relationship while also being able to play a meaningful role in the lives of their beloved.
“What is essential is a sense of mutual understanding and respect within the relationship. It should be accepted with empathy rather than judgment,” she said.
Zungu advised that to build a strong, stable and loving relationship, it was important for a person to love and know oneself, for there to be honesty within the relationship, and as a couple they must be willing to learn from one another.
“Love yourself enough to know that you are worthy of the relationship you desire, not just any relationship that comes your way. Know where your insecurities lie, know what your own dynamics are. A person in control of oneself will not want to control or be controlled by others,” she said.Find someone with whom you can grow, Zungu recommends.
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